Break ups are typically unpleasant. Whether you are the ‘dumpee’ or the ‘dumper’. It creates often significant changes in a persons life especially when the relationship is long term and serious.
Most of us have been there. We are familiar with the collection of emotions that you experience; stress, fear, anger, sadness, surprise. All of which impacts the duration and the difficulty of the healing process.
Sometimes break ups are easy. If both parties realize early on that it’s not working out, that there is little chemistry, it is much easier to have a clean break and go on your separate ways. However, most break ups are painful, you build your life around a person – whether it is intentional or not. You spend most of your free time with them, your hobbies and friendships most likely have been affected, and your life goals may have involved said person.
So when it comes time to a split, the future now becomes foggy. Your plan to get married, build a family, or whatever else, is now distant and unforeseeable. The unknown is scary. Especially when it comes to our own future, which is something that most of us want to have control over. Yet, this loss of control, especially when you are the one being dumped, is frightening. What you thought was your future, will now be a distant memory.
But when it comes to the ‘dumper’, your job is significantly harder when you don’t want to hurt the person that you’ve developed a connection with, despite not wanting to be with them, most people still care for their partner (most – certainly not all.) You may even delay the break-up, trying to find the right time, because we all know that you can’t do it on their birthday, their parents birthday, on a school day, the week before an exam, near the holidays, and it needs to be in person. If you think about it, that doesn’t leave too many days that are viable options, however, when it comes to that overwhelming belief that the relationship is over, most people will eventually will feel too guilty, and decide on the day that it’s over.
Neither job is pleasant, and most times will require some personal time. Here is a list of ways to get over your break-up.
Grieve
You lost someone, they are not literally gone, but they are no longer going to be a significant part of your life. The first few days are going to be the worse, nights especially. You may cry, you may lash out, you may want to continue talking to them.
What’s important is that you take this time to properly grieve. You need to go through this pain and sadness, to come out stronger on the other side. If not, you may feel like you are never going to get over them. Even if you are desperately trying to convince them to change their minds, let your emotions out, either at home or with other friends.
A Support Circle
One of the best ways to get over a break-up is by distracting yourself. You do not wanting to be crying, laying in bed for too long, as it will have a negative impact on your mental health. Yes, you do need to grieve, but make sure to keep it short. Hangout with your friends, people who will support you, and understand that you will not be feeling your best.
Distractions are a great way to stop your brain. But, alcohol and drugs is not a good coping mechanism. Especially, when it comes to dealing with it long term, we don’t want to develop any problems.
I go into further details here Dealing with stress.
Avoid them
When you get dumped, it’s hard to let the person go. But, you need to step back. Say your peace and then step away from the phone, don’t keep reading over old messages. Don’t delete all of your pictures together, just step away. Just because you’re breaking up doesn’t mean that the whole relationship was shit, (unless it was; then delete everything). But, that’s a lot of time in your life to erase because of a sour ending.
And if you are the one who did the dumping, it’s hard to see someone we care about in so much pain. Some people will shut down completely, and not respond to anything; which is the most hurtful and difficult thing to deal with as a dumpee (been there!) Don’t be that guy, who ghosts you after dating for years. But, maybe don’t respond so quickly to all the messages, show some emotion, which will help yourself cope, but stay firm on your decision. The biggest mistake is to fall for the ‘please, please, please.’ At this moment. Just be nice, it’s still someone that you cared about, at least at some point.
Focus on yourself
Studies have shown that journaling positive thoughts can improve a persons wellbeing after break up. This makes sense since, as they say, if you think you’re bad at something or won’t succeed, you probably won’t. If you continue to think negatively about yourself after a break up, you will continue to feel negatively.
Maybe there’s a sport or an activity that you always wanted to try but you didn’t feel like you had the time. Break ups are actually a great time to improve yourself, to find things that you enjoy and to focus on your wellbeing. You’re no longer busy, trying to make someone else happy, instead you are treating yourself by doing the things that you enjoy.
Staying active is especially important when we are dealing with challenges. The endorphins released during exercise is known to be a great coping mechanism.
Maybe take an online course, one of my favourite platforms is Udemy. You can take courses to develop your career. There’s nothing better than improving yourself after a break-up.
Get a new hobby? Tackle that project? Do things that you enjoy! I go into further detail here, a failure’s guide to self confidence
Time
It takes time to get over someone. Do not even consider getting back with someone until you are months into the break-up. The reason being, sometimes your emotions will tell you that you want the person, but really, months later you realize that you were a moron for wanting them.
When you are in the relationship, you may not take the problems seriously enough. They could be treating you poorly, it could be a toxic situation, but because you are so emotionally invested it can be impossible to truly see the relationship. When your friends and family tell you that they don’t like your partner, or that they don’t agree with how they are treating you, these are HUGE red flags. Which you may not believe until much later. Once you’ve started to move on.
Rebounds are a thing, and it’s important to be aware of its impacts on your next person. If you want to find some really attractive person, sure, just be safe. Make sure that you are capable of distinguishing between the rebound and a new relationship. You don’t want to be leading someone on when you are just using them to cope. This is where dialogue is important.
Talk to someone
Break-ups are significant events in our lives. We all deal with issues differently, and sometimes they are too great for us to work on them alone. Especially when we are living it, it can be so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. To understand that your life will go on without them. Reach out for help! Don’t be afraid! It isn’t a sign of weakness, instead, it is a sign of strength. You know yourself well enough to understand that you need a professional to be there with you. We go to the doctor when we get hurt. This is a kind of hurt and a psychologist is a type of doctor… So it’s only logical.
Resources
Headspace: a Mindfulness meditation app
Calm: create to help those with depression and anxiety, one of the best cognitive therapy programs.
MY3: a suicide prevention app where you create a safety plan and a support network.
Canada Suicide Prevention Service (CSPS) is available to anyone thinking about or affected by suicide. Call us toll-free anytime at 1.833.456.4566 or text us at 45645 between 4pm-12am ET.
Kids Help Phone is always there for you. No matter what you want to talk about, we’re here to listen. No judgment, totally private, 24/7, 1-800-668-6868.
*This post may contain affiliate links
